'The life and times of Wayne Rooney is a dysfunctional fairy story of our time - Beauty and the Beast meets Alien v. Predator meets Cinderella in Football Boots. Not forgetting the sub-plot of 'The Curse of the Black Thong.' Perhaps more than any other pantomime nonsense from the beginning of the twenty-first century, it shines a light on our moronic celebrity culture - why a man with a genius for computing how a pig's bladder arcs through a parabola in space-time faster than anyone else in England has made a king's ransom for himself, plus a bob or two for the creatures that creepeth on the face of the earth...'